Living Differently

"What do you think your life will be like 10 years from now?"

That question made me shudder last night at the thought of being almost 40 at that time.  Suddenly it feels like time is speeding faster than it once was and I'm grasping at it, trying to slow it down.  

At 30 my parents already had two kids, a mortgage, two cars and a dog.  My life couldn't be farther from that.  I have my job, friends, my man, a car that is about to die and my apartment. And I like it.  Something in me thinks I can avoid the cliches of life, the inevitable musts and responsibilities that define adulthood.  But I fear it isn't possible.

I watch movies about love dying after time, of people regretting the paths they've chosen, and of mistakes made despite best efforts to avoid them.  And I think, "Nah, that won't be me.  That destiny is for other, more unconscious, dumb people."  

While that is the very definition of pride, I still want to and think I can live differently.  I want to defy the pull of the white picket fenced house and go for the "more" of life that I know must exist.  I want to find out what living on the edge is like.  I want to hold on to God because it's all I can trust.  I want to do what isn't expected to find out if life really is better in it's other forms. 

Or is this just being naive and irresponsible?  Maybe.  Maybe modern life is actually the best way to live.  Just like democracy is the best form of government, even though it still has its inherent flaws.  

All I know is that I feel like challenging everything.  Challenging the classic path of growing up, getting hitched, buying a house, having kids, being involved in church, watching womens afternoon talk shows, going on a diet and buying anti-aging products.  

So the question is:  Can we avoid the expectations of adulthood?  And, if we can, is that lifestyle better than typical adulthood?

Just do it

I don't like loose ends.  I like to know what is going on.  And I don't like unclear goals or, well, anything that makes me feel stress.  

I often spend a large chunk of my day getting ready to work.  Not actually working, but getting ready to work.  I write lists, determine priorities, gather supplies and information, and review my other lists to ensure I'm not missing anything.  Sometimes I look back on a day and realize that I've actually done nothing.  I've just gotten ready to do something.  

Often, that is because I am waiting for the perfect conditions.  I'm waiting to feel like I understand it all, like I know what I'm doing and that I have everything I need  I've realized that this perfectionism is wasting my potential, our potential,  the world's potential at fixing our problems.  

All of us probably realized in our early 20's that there will never be a time again when our to do list has every box checked off.  Life never stops and is always growing in complexity every day.   

What I've been realizing lately is that I've just gotta start.  Stop thinking so hard.  Stop waiting for things to be ready.  Stop looking for a blank slate to start from.  Just start.  Move.  Try.

My boss calls this the "trickle down" method.  Rather than starting something after you've calculated the whole plan, start to trickle out the project.  Communicate a bit here, a bit there, and then suddenly...you're done.  

For me it seems that it has taken almost 30 years for me to realize that none of us know what we are doing.  That we are supposed to try, win and fail.  That we are supposed to be ill-equipped.  That we should welcome anyone's efforts regardless of the outcome.  That we don't need to necessarily defend our actions when things don't turn out.  That mistakes are really where the real living happens.  And that admitting them doesn't change who you are.

Fear is a big part of this.  There have been times during the past few weeks when fear felt insurmountable for the task at hand.  When I spent time trying to get rid of fear, sometimes winning and sometimes losing the battle in my mind.  But then I read this:

"Great acts of faith are seldom born out of calm calculation.  It wasn't logic that caused Moses to raise his staff on the bank of the Red Sea.  It wasn't medical research that convinced Naaman to dip seven times in the river.  It wasn't common sense that caused Paul to abandon the Law and embrace grace.

"And it wasn't a confident committee that prayed in a small room in Jerusalem for Peter's release from prison.  It was a fearful, desperate, band of backed-into-a-corner believers.  It was a church with no options.  A congregation of have-nots pleading for help.

"And never were they stronger.

"At the beginning of every act of faith, there is often a seed of fear." (Lucado)

Accept where you are and take a step to where you want to go.  Scared?  Good.  Don't know what your second step will be?  Who cares.  Just start.

Still the same?

Leadership has been a topic I've thought a lot about lately.  Mostly because I have new leadership challenges in front of me - at work and in my personal life.  

I read my dad's Leadership Journal when I was a wee thing, was a member of the youth group's leadership team and was praised for my leadership ability.  The latter got old quick when I realized I was leading more often than not because people expected me to, not because I wanted to or because I necessarily cared about the goals.  

Figuring out what to lead might be just as hard as learning how and actually leading.  There are a few things I'm leading right now.  Luckily I know the goal, which is sometimes half the battle. But I'm noticing that the way I've led for the past few years isn't working in the face of these new challenges.  I'm looking around and I don't see enough followers.  

So I'm getting back to the basics.  

I picked up the quintessential book on leadership, John Maxwell's Developing the Leader Within You, in the hopes of being reminded of the important, rather than the urgent.  The root of the book focuses on influence.  You are a leader if you have influence.  Influence only comes from people giving you permission to enter into a relationship with them to accomplish something together.  

I've also been working lately on not caring what others think of me.  If I had a dollar for every time I wondered what others thought of me, I would be as rich as Bill Gates.  So I've gotten more honest. More unapologetic.  More driven.  More focussed on what I think is right to do, rather than what others think of me while I'm doing it.  But that isn't leadership either.

Because to be a leader you have to care what others think.  They have to want to have a relationship with you.  

In fact, you might need to care more about that than the objectives of your own leadership.  They have to want to follow you so you have to start with where they are.  

Crap.  

So, now what?  You'd think that I have an answer to that question because this is the first time in months that I have posted here.

But I don't have an answer to that that I like yet.  My answer for now is to keep praying, keep walking and keep hoping that there is more God in my leadership than there is me.

While reading Maxwell, I noticed pencil scribbles in the back inside cover.  I'd really like to know when I made these scribbles.  It would give some perspective of whether or not I am the same leader I was when I wrote it.  It was a draft personal mission and list of values that I was once triggered to write down:

mission: To gather meaningful information on societal attitudes and activities in order to communicate and illuminate truth.

Values:

• Detail: The whole picture
• Cause: What is the root?
• Think: Be still, then act
• Others:  Focus on others
• Self: Love thy self

I'm still the same girl.  What I'm doing isn't the same when I wrote that.  But I still care about the same things.  But I'm not the same leader I once was.  

Now I am searching for a new definition of leadership.  Not on the whole, but one for me.  One that focusses on others and comes out of loving thy self.  Or something like it...

Life as a control freak

I am an 8.  Huh?  If you've heard of the Enneagram Test then you know what I am talking about.  If not, then you must know that the Enneagram is a personality profile tool that has taught me a lot recently.  I have learned that I like--and possibly need--to be in control, and that life feels completely wrong when I feel out of control.  Of course, any mature person knows that we are never in control and that any feeling of control is always an illusion.

The more I live the more I realize that something completely unexpected is usually around the corner when it comes to your state of mind.  Sheer confidence, total despair, absolute faith and complete boredom can come from nothing, something and anything.  These feelings drive everything and they are possibly never our control.  Feelings are illogical, reality confusing and your emotions may rarely match up to your day's events.  

Our minds and psyches are so incredibly complex.  I don't think we have a clue as to what is affecting us at any given moment.  Our past, our families, our fears, insecurities and dreams propel us more than we realize.  The key is to run towards these dynamics.  When you cry, cry hard, seek answers and don't spend time trying to stop the tears.  When you laugh, chuckle deeply in your gut like it's the last time you will.  When you find someone that fills your soul and makes you better, tell them how much you care and don't let go.  When you need help, make the call to the friend that you know will drop everything to be with you and make your day a little better.  

I'm not sure what the point of this post is, but I enjoyed writing it and it's what my life is like right now.  Despite my "8" nature, I'm out of control, hopefully in a good way, and I am trying to run towards the results of that and allow the fullness of who I am and who God is to shape me, without fear.  Well not much fear anyways.  

A true Sun-day

Sundays may very well be my favorite day of the week.  The scrappy hairstyles, the casual clothes, the brunch and the clear schedule.  Everything is slower, like a long exhale before the big gulp of Monday.  

Today was such a day, full of sun and long strides.  First I had a Barney's brunch with my favorite person.  Either side of said brunch was filled with a quick walk and repeated, "I can't believe how beautiful it is outside."  I then watched a lame chick flick because, well, do I need a reason?

A gigantic intelligentsia americano accompanied my Elizabeth Gilbert was required because staying awake to all hours talking to my favorite person is apparently my new hobby.  A gorgeous perusal in my favorite store down the road then made me happy more than anything material likely should.  

Most of my Sundays are then capped off with phone calls to, well, everyone close to me, and a simple dinner that usually involves a bagel or soup.  Today is just the same.

And you think I didn't go to church.

Stuck?

I wish that God's truth stuck, that lessons from God only had to be learned once.  I feel so often like I start from scratch in my Christian walk every day.  One day my identity is solid, sealed and complete.  The next I am a baby, clinging to compliments and external affirmation.  What exactly triggers this regression, I wonder?

I suppose our lives change externally so quickly that it would be silly to think that we don't have to relearn for a new reality each step of the way.  What I do know is that God knows what he is doing, and he won't stop working until I am a finished, a new creation.  The great part is that he is faithful and he will do it.  

A different kind of trip...

This is our third full day in Bulembu.  It's been quite an experience so far, almost completely different than we expected.  The cultural barriers are more strong than I would have thought.  My interviews have been sufficient, but disappointing.  I've actually been quite emotional about it, wanting so badly to connect on a personal level with the people.  Unfortunately I don't feel like I've developed any kind of connection with them.  A lot of it is the language barriers and the lack of ability by the Swazi people to communicate emotion in English.   A sample:

"What was life like when the mine left?"

"hard."

"Tell me about that.  What made it hard?"

"difficult"

"what was different after the mine left compared to before?"

"we had no jobs"

Duhhh....I could have told you that.  So I ask you to pray for more descriptive interviews.  

Trevor's photos have also posed challenges.  Swazi people, for some reason, are very stoic when they know their photo is being taken.  They don't understand the concept of acting normally and going about their business while Trevor does his thing.  They are always stiff, conscious of us because they aren't used to having cameras around.  

Transport has also been a problem.  Every shot opportunity is quite far from the other, requiring more coordination than we would have thought.  Unfortunately candid shots are therefore harder to come by.  Of course Trevor's photos are amazing regardless and the calendar is going to be great.

On Tuesday we went to see the Chief of Malanda, the region Bulembu sits within.  We scheduled an appointment with him and, when we arrived to his house on the hill, he told us he only had twenty minutes.  The man has 26 children and numerous wives.  He is chief because his father and grandfather were both chiefs.  He called the King of Swaziland when Bulembu was in trouble and got them food in 2001.  Most days are spent listening to people's grievances.  A community judge of sorts.

Today I am interviewing a teacher, a plumber and a housekeeper.  We are going to take a wee midday break at some point to rest.  We are quite tired today and I am sunburnt to a crisp.  Hopefully some time at the school with the cute kids will raise my spirits :)