We are all the same

I am a judgmental person. It's a fact. I struggle with giving people the benefit of the doubt. I have a hard time forgiving and I turn my nose down at people far too often.

And then I screw up.

We are all the same. Big mistakes and little mistakes are all the same. No matter who you are, or what you've done--we are all worth the same amount: worth more to God than we could ever imagine.

I suddenly feel that the real litmus test of humility, of truly being sorry for a mistake and facing our fallenness in its fullest, is if we can view others who have done "worse" things as peers, equals and fellow fighters trying to live this life the best we can.

Easier said than done? Definitely.

Old Faith

This morning I led a photo shoot of a few older YMCA members at the Langara Family YMCA. I must admit, they have inspired me.

Erwin, centre, is from Germany. He fought in WWII, snuck into YMCA's across the world banned by Hitler, moved to Vancouver 30 years ago and pastored a church here for a few decades. Now, every morning at 6:45 a.m., Erwin and his friends get together to sing, pray and eat--with a little laughter in between.

As I listened to them sing "Great is thy Faithfulness" in English and Chinese, I was struck by the lives these individuals must have behind them. Lives of a facing struggle--Hitler!--or moving to a new country, making ends meet, learning a new language and culture and all the additional pain that any one of us may meet in our lifetime: disease, broken relationships, death, mental illness, etc.

Regardless of how they have chosen to live--their past, their choices, and their challenges--the people I saw today are titans of faith. People still singing praises and beginning each day in the midst of a community of friends doing life together after decades of life. I hope I can be just like that someday.

He Wastes Nothing

I was watching Rob Bell's "Drops Like Stars" last week and found it really encouraging. Everyone looking to find God in pain should watch it--which is likely all of us since we all experience trouble at some point or another.

While there were many takeaways, the one that is sticking with me today is the truth that "God wastes nothing". Days of sadness, conversations of miscommunication-filled confusion, time spent sinning, friendships gone wrong and mistakes--big mistakes--that seem to only cause heartbreak....all of it is used by God to make me into what he wants me to become. All of it is used to glorify him, redeemed from the ugliest of ugly and made beautiful. While I believe this today, believing it for specific mistakes and situations is definitely more difficult.

Lucky for me, regardless of whether I believe it at all times, it's true.

For I Am Weak

I’ve been thinking a lot about weakness lately. What it is, what role it plays in the Christian life and, mostly, how it feels.

I am a strong person. I think that most people that know me would say this about me. Unfortunately that’s not always a good thing, even though the world would most certainly say it is a sign of true character.

In my case, it impedes me. Makes me a slug full of her own self-righteousness. It goes much farther than thinking that I don’t “need” God. It actually makes it so I seemingly don’t need him or, rather, it shields me from developing the real nature that God created me to have so I would need him. The nature of being able to bring him glory.

A nature that doesn’t know what to do. That doesn’t know what to say. That isn’t sure what will happen next and is terrified at the possibilities. That doesn’t know the answer. That is open to being wrong. To being weak. To losing.

My autopilot is strength. I know the answer, duh…don’t you?

A study from HBR revealed recently that people are more likely to trust information from experts when they also outline their uncertainties. I like this study. It shows that people prefer truth more than strength, and prefer humanity over superhuman confidence. They've also found that people in workplaces almost never use the phrases, "I don't know", "I was wrong" and "I'm sorry". Sounds like I'm not alone.

For some hilariously ironic reason I think God should be doing something different with me right now. Changing me faster, healing me more deeply, convicting me more strongly and making me into more of what I think I need to be. But that’s just me again, being strong and knowing what to do.

I don’t know how to be weak. I don’t know how to stop trying to understand things, to stop figuring out what to do. But I guess that’s it right there—not knowing and being okay with that. Sitting in that discomfort and just being. Believing that God knows what he’s doing and he’s doing it.

Relying. Trusting. Admitting. Surrendering.

I like poetry.

This girl’s gonna ditch her rustic frolic, this girl so wants back to bright light big box open late lurchy bus people shout car siren city siren three a.m. car car six screen butter popcorn new release people people busker nightschool swim class take-out pizza art show book club bike lane Chinatown wants to sit down Friday night half-caf latte frothy lip foam run mouth poet in every chair at the open mike read to me read to me read to me café.

— Rhonda Ganz

I was ten years old the year Chernobyl burned, the very same year that Expo ’86 came to Vancouver and the city changed forever. For I will always think of China, the China pavilion to be exact, each time these years later I pass the China Gate at Dr. Sun Yat-Sen’s Classical Chinese Gardens. We were moving then, all of us, from one place to another. Now, I’m haunted by the SkyTrain doors’ perfect open fifth, then that smooth electronic contralto programmed to reassure one rides the Expo Line to Waterfront Station. That line stretches out behind us: concrete contrails left over from ’86. Eighty-six, the year Chernobyl burned hot as the centre of the earth, the sun, and men hurried in.

— Elizabeth Bachinsky

I want to ask poetry where it was for all those years. Where was it when I chain-smoked my way through Vancouver bingo parlours and where was it when I traded my Penguin classics for True Crime stories? I want to ask it about waitressing in Chinese restaurants and slinging beer in Indian bars and about hitch-hiking and smoking dope and seeing the prairies for the first time. I want to ask about underground rivers and the homelessness of rain and how it knows what it knows and why it knows so much more than I do. I want to ask poetry where it goes when it disappears and if it was there when I shot pool and crashed in cheap hotels in small towns across the country. I want to ask it why it drew me close and then let go and if it led me to the dying as a way to keep me alive.

— Eve Joseph

From "Poetry In Transit"

Photo by Trevor Meier

We Are More

We Are More

by Shane Koyczan

When defining Canada

you might list some statistics

you might mention our tallest building

or biggest lake

you might shake a tree in the fall

and call a red leaf Canada

you might rattle off some celebrities

might mention Buffy Sainte-Marie

might even mention the fact that we've got a few

Barenaked Ladies

or that we made these crazy things

like zippers

electric cars

and washing machines

when defining Canada

it seems the world's anthem has been

" been there done that"

and maybe that's where we used to be at

it's true

we've done and we've been

we've seen

all the great themes get swallowed up by the machine

and turned into theme parks

but when defining Canada

don't forget to mention that we have set sparks

we are not just fishing stories

about the one that got away

we do more than sit around and say "eh?"

and yes

we are the home of the Rocket and the Great One

who inspired little number nines

and little number ninety-nines

but we're more than just hockey and fishing lines

off of the rocky coast of the Maritimes

and some say what defines us

is something as simple as please and thank you

and as for you're welcome

well we say that too

but we are more

than genteel or civilized

we are an idea in the process

of being realized

we are young

we are cultures strung together

then woven into a tapestry

and the design

is what makes us more

than the sum total of our history

we are an experiment going right for a change

with influences that range from a to zed

and yes we say zed instead of zee

we are the colours of Chinatown and the coffee of Little Italy

we dream so big that there are those

who would call our ambition an industry

because we are more than sticky maple syrup and clean snow

we do more than grow wheat and brew beer

we are vineyards of good year after good year

we reforest what we clear

because we believe in generations beyond our own

knowing now that so many of us

have grown past what used to be

we can stand here today

filled with all the hope people have

when they say things like "someday"

someday we'll be great

someday we'll be this

or that

someday we'll be at a point

when someday was yesterday

and all of our aspirations will pay the way

for those who on that day

look towards tomorrow

and still they say someday

we will reach the goals we set

and we will get interest on our inspiration

because we are more than a nation of whale watchers and lumberjacks

more than backpacks and hiking trails

we are hammers and nails building bridges

towards those who are willing to walk across

we are the lost-and-found for all those who might find themselves at a loss

we are not the see-through gloss or glamour

of those who clamour for the failings of others

we are fathers brothers sisters and mothers

uncles and nephews aunts and nieces

we are cousins

we are found missing puzzle pieces

we are families with room at the table for newcomers

we are more than summers and winters

more than on and off seasons

we are the reasons people have for wanting to stay

because we are more than what we say or do

we live to get past what we go through

and learn who we are

we are students

students who study the studiousness of studying

so we know what as well as why

we don't have all the answers

but we try

and the effort is what makes us more

we don't all know what it is in life we're looking for

so keep exploring

go far and wide

or go inside but go deep

go deep

as if James Cameron was filming a sequel to The Abyss

and suddenly there was this location scout

trying to figure some way out

to get inside you

because you've been through hell and high water

and you went deep

keep exploring

because we are more

than a laundry list of things to do and places to see

we are more than hills to ski

or countryside ponds to skate

we are the abandoned hesitation of all those who can't wait

we are first-rate greasy-spoon diners and healthy-living cafes

a country that is all the ways you choose to live

a land that can give you variety

because we are choices

we are millions upon millions of voices shouting

" keep exploring... we are more"

we are the surprise the world has in store for you

it's true

Canada is the "what" in "what's new?"

so don't say "been there done that"

unless you've sat on the sidewalk

while chalk artists draw still lifes

on the concrete of a kid in the street

beatboxing to Neil Young for fun

don't say you've been there done that

unless you've been here doing it

let this country be your first-aid kit

for all the times you get sick of the same old same old

let us be the story told to your friends

and when that story ends

leave chapters for the next time you'll come back

next time pack for all the things

you didn't pack for the first time

but don't let your luggage define your travels

each life unravels differently

and experiences are what make up

the colours of our tapestry

we are the true north

strong and free

and what's more

is that we didn't just say it

we made it be.

Oh

I should have started counting a decade ago the number of times I realize that a truth I believed to be so true, wasn't.

The most recent revelation was triggered by Larry Crabb's book The Pressure's Off--a brilliant look at the Christian life that, quite frankly, knocked me off my feet.

What I've realized is that there are two ways to live: the Old Way and the New Way. The old way is linear: A + B = C. This way is motivated by a desire for blessings, spending my time finding out the action I need to take in order to get what I want. I am fairly certain that I spend 99.9% of my life working that way, trying to find out what I need to do, doing it and then believing that this entitles me to get what I want.

The New Way is the way of the Spirit, a way of living for one thing: God. Wanting him more than blessings is my new second-by-second challenge. Ask yourself: do you want God more than a good marriage or relationship? Do you want God more than being healthy? Do you want God more than you want to be happy? More than a successful career?

If I'm honest, I have to say that most of the time I certainly don't. Most of the time I am working to reduce stress, to love my man better, to be fit, to succeed at work, to talk to the right people, at the right time, about the right things. And then comes the tipping point--the moment I realize that it is all futile, that our actions most often don't produce the results we want and, even if they do, we are still unhappy. exhausted. ticked.

It's actually kind've hilarious how entitled I can get, expecting God to produce the results I want because I've done the so-called actions to make it happen. The funny thing is that I know that this isn't how God works. So why do I keep trying so hard to make life work?

Because I think I know better than God. If I'm really honest, that is how I think.

Drawing near to God is the ultimate. Living to know God is it. End stop. Suddenly freedom is just a little closer. Rest and peace is a dim and distant, but possible reality. But they aren't promised. I have to be careful not to fall back into the linear way of thinking--drawing near to God so that I get the blessings I want. The only thing God promises is that we will know him better, eventually.

This is my new challenge: wanting God more than what I want in life. Some days its easier and I feel a freedom I've not had before. Some days I forget about the goal entirely, and then realize at the end of the day that I've lost my footing. Most days its hard and seemingly impossible.

But I do know that its the right, real thing to do. I know that because of the feeling in my heart when I am drawing near to God, because of the freedom that feels possible. And, if I ever do want God more than everything else, it will be a true miracle.

Once in a while a new truth changes everything. This is one of those times.