The most recent revelation was triggered by Larry Crabb's book The Pressure's Off--a brilliant look at the Christian life that, quite frankly, knocked me off my feet.
What I've realized is that there are two ways to live: the Old Way and the New Way. The old way is linear: A + B = C. This way is motivated by a desire for blessings, spending my time finding out the action I need to take in order to get what I want. I am fairly certain that I spend 99.9% of my life working that way, trying to find out what I need to do, doing it and then believing that this entitles me to get what I want.
The New Way is the way of the Spirit, a way of living for one thing: God. Wanting him more than blessings is my new second-by-second challenge. Ask yourself: do you want God more than a good marriage or relationship? Do you want God more than being healthy? Do you want God more than you want to be happy? More than a successful career?
If I'm honest, I have to say that most of the time I certainly don't. Most of the time I am working to reduce stress, to love my man better, to be fit, to succeed at work, to talk to the right people, at the right time, about the right things. And then comes the tipping point--the moment I realize that it is all futile, that our actions most often don't produce the results we want and, even if they do, we are still unhappy. exhausted. ticked.
It's actually kind've hilarious how entitled I can get, expecting God to produce the results I want because I've done the so-called actions to make it happen. The funny thing is that I know that this isn't how God works. So why do I keep trying so hard to make life work?
Because I think I know better than God. If I'm really honest, that is how I think.
Drawing near to God is the ultimate. Living to know God is it. End stop. Suddenly freedom is just a little closer. Rest and peace is a dim and distant, but possible reality. But they aren't promised. I have to be careful not to fall back into the linear way of thinking--drawing near to God so that I get the blessings I want. The only thing God promises is that we will know him better, eventually.
This is my new challenge: wanting God more than what I want in life. Some days its easier and I feel a freedom I've not had before. Some days I forget about the goal entirely, and then realize at the end of the day that I've lost my footing. Most days its hard and seemingly impossible.
But I do know that its the right, real thing to do. I know that because of the feeling in my heart when I am drawing near to God, because of the freedom that feels possible. And, if I ever do want God more than everything else, it will be a true miracle.
Once in a while a new truth changes everything. This is one of those times.
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